December 2011 - Deb's Losing It!

Day 76

First off, thank you for your comments. I really do appreciate them, even if I don’t answer them right away lately. You guys are helping to keep me anchored right now in this madness that seems to be my life.

Oddly enough, I feel somewhat better today. I woke up fairly early (at 8am the pup came in and repeatedly tried to “eat” my face, which makes it very hard to stay asleep or to wake up grumpy) and shortly after I went out and played with the dogs for a little while, kicking around the jolly ball for them. Once my eyes were filled with the limit of dust and dirt and I was pretty sure my mouth was full too, I told them the game was over and we went inside. I sort of got dressed (I added a bra to my PJs for decency lol) and went to Rite Aid to pick up some B-12 after reading so many comments both here and at BCB promoting it. I got home, started typing, and then realized I forgot to pick up my Rxs and put gas in the car while I was out- I have literally left the house so little in the last few months that its literally been 2 months since I’ve put gas in the car. Half a tank lasted me two months. Normally that lasts me 2 weeks. I got my meds and got some gas in my car.

Continue reading Day 76

Day 74 & 75

Wednesday’s food pretty much sucked, mainly because of those last few cakeballs and because of either the sandwich or the block of ramen. A little exercise would have put me on track but I don’t feel like doing anything at all. All I want to do is sleep all day. I’m going to leave Wednesday at that though and move on to Thursday. First though, the eats.

Turkey Pastrami & Cheese Sandwich       6.4
Ramen (1 Block)       8.4
Cake Balls       5.8
Chicken Helper Mexican Cheesy Enchilada       14.2
Hot Chocolate       6.9

Total For Day 41.7

Wednesday night I got 3 hours of sleep- from 5am until 8am. I couldn’t fall asleep, Mattie couldn’t sleep, and we just tossed and turned all night until he got sick of it and got up. My problem is being this depressed, I can’t fall asleep. Once I get there, I sleep like a stone and have a hard time waking up. Add in that I’d not been taking the full dosage of my meds every day because I was going to run out, and when I do fall asleep, I sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours, wake up, and can’t get back to sleep.

Continue reading Day 74 & 75

Days 72 & 73

I have to make a confession here. This time of year is horrible for me, and not just because everyone is baking goodies and passing them around. From a few days before Thanksgiving until a few days after my birthday (Jan. 28th) I am more or less in a state of major depression the entire time. To me, the end of the year and my new birthday are signs marking that yet another year has passed and I have not achieved anything with my life in that passing year. I spend most of these weeks curled up in bed, wanting to do nothing but sleep. I eat everything in front of me, most of the time because I can’t remember if or when I ate last. I can’t concentrate on anything. Every year its like this, and it never seems to get any easier.

That said, in creating this blog, I’ve made a promise to all of you to remain accountable for my actions, and to try to do my best on this journey, even though right now I don’t even want to try. I want to sleep and wait for the next few weeks to be over already.

Continue reading Days 72 & 73

Day 69 – 71

First things first! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and was able to share it with those they love and care most about. I was able to, and for that I am glad. It was definitely one of my better Christmases. :)

My apologies for not posting over the holiday weekend until now, and further apologies for getting totally screwed up and off track. Friday I just lost track and made a mess out of everything. Saturday we went to my mom’s house for dinner, and while my eating wasn’t so bad, I discovered (and loved) fruitcake for the first time. I’m sure that didn’t help any. Anyway, tonight, Christmas, we had dinner here and I cooked everything. Depending on how or if you dressed stuff up, it was all pretty healthy. It was the nibbling while I was preparing the meal that messed me up today. However, I don’t think the damages were that bad.There was also some food I didn’t even touch.

I’m not proud of the last few days, but it’s up to me to own up to what I did and didn’t do, and I would post everything from Friday and Saturday but I honestly lost track to the degree that I don’t even know where to begin, so Sunday’s eats will have to do. And on that note, the eats.

Continue reading Day 69 – 71