Monday Day 374

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, lately I have not been on track. I haven’t really been tracking, and for the most part its because I just haven’t cared one way or the other. I’ve had something bothering me for a while and its not getting any better, and honestly, until I start getting regular work, its not going to get better.

As some of you know I receive SSI as my primary source of income for disability. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder several years ago, and following a major meltdown in a long chain of them, my doctor helped me fill out all the forms to get disability. There are months that I am fine, and then there are periods where I find myself doing nothing except crying hysterically for days. For the last 11 years, pretty much every job I have gotten has ended in me becoming so stressed after a week of interactions with people that I end up having panic attacks and profuse crying spells, followed by a serious depression where I pretty much only get out of bed to go to the bathroom lasting weeks. I just cannot seem to deal with people I don’t know for extended periods of time.

Five years ago come the end of December, I lost my last job. I stuck it out for 8 months even though they treated me like garbage because I loved the work. I was so stressed and strung out that after the first month, I stopped being able to sleep at night, and would only get about 2 hours of sleep, then go to work. After 8 months, I had a major meltdown and they fired me over it. Later when I really needed the money and tried to collect unemployment, they took me to court, lied and said I quit, told the judge I was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and forced me to pay back everything I had gotten. I was unable to assert myself to state my side of the case because I was on the verge of tears the entire time.

Since then, I’ve turned in hundreds of applications and resumes. And in the first 2 years of doing so, I had 3 interviews. I had a panic attack during two of them, and the third one I made it through but did very badly. I haven’t had so much as a call in 3 years now. That brings me to my problem. I am a graphic artist and jewelry maker/designer, and all of the people I have worked with have had nothing but good things to say about me. But I’m lucky is I make $200.00 in a year. No one knows I exist, and I can’t afford any venues for advertising. I constantly tout my work on Facebook, Twitter, G+ and Craigslist but aside from a wonderful people re-sharing my links to certain items or telling their friends about their experience working with me, there’s nothing.

All I have wanted to do my entire life is work and be able to take care of myself. Yet for the last 5 years I’ve been living off of a government handout because no one will take a chance on me and let me try. I’ve even run contests to offer work for free in the hopes people would be interested and maybe others would hire me afterwards. None of the winners have ever even stepped up to get the work they won.

I feel like everyone looks down on me because I’m not working, and I feel like its somehow my fault that I’m not. I just want to work, whether it be by designing a new logo or creating a cute pair of earrings or making a nice, roomy purse. I’m tired of wanting to cry every time I see people complaining about their job because at least they have one, or feeling like its directed at me when people complain about the number of people living off of government assistance.

If you know anyone who might be interested in hiring me for anything, please share my links. Here is my graphic design work portfolio, and here is my Etsy.com shop with my jewelry and sewn creations. Every day I feel worse because I feel like I have no purpose in life, and that I’m not as good as anyone else because I live this way. I hate feeling like this and its causing me problems in my relationships with other people because it seems like everyone around me has everything I’ve ever wanted and I can’t catch a break to save my life.

About Deb

I’m an on-again, off-again Weight Watchers tracker, and live with my boyfriend and two large dogs. I sew, do bead work, play with polymer clay, and read to keep myself occupied. I read a lot.